Just a Lists of Questions to Ask When You’re Ready to Elevate Your Relationship

Just a Lists of Questions to Ask When You’re Ready to Elevate Your Relationship

There are tonnns of really great things that happen when you’re dating someone new. Not only do you get to tell them all of your favorite stories again for the first time, but simple things like cuddling on the couch or goodnight texts make you feel like you’re floating.

To get past the honeymoon stage though, you need to take some time to get to know the person you’re with on a deeper, more intimate level. (And no, we’re not talking about having sex here.)

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Learning all the tiny things that make your partner them is the key to forming a lasting bond. But if you’re unsure where to start, it’s really just about asking the right questions.

Don’t worry, they don’t all have to be serious and lead to tears and unpacking past trauma, but they should be engaging and require more than a “yes” or “no” response.

So to help, we’ve consulted with dating and relationship experts on the best questions to ask when you really want to get to know someone. Here are the top 60 so you’ll never have to talk about rain in the forecast again.

1. What’s one question you wish more people asked you?

This simple Q tells you what they enjoy talking about, what may be their passion, and as a bonus, “this gives the individual a very open-ended approach to share things that may be hard to prompt,” says licensed psychologist Carly Claney, PhD.

2. Are you a better talker or listener?

Sure, the question itself is interesting, but it’s how they answer it that really shows the answer. Do they launch into an eloquent and thought-provoking response or do they turn it back on you and listen closely? It’s like an inception question.

3. What’s your favorite season and why?

Are you going to be hosting BBQs in the summer or Halloween parties in the fall? No, it’s not super deep, but this is a date, not a therapy session. Throw some fun ones in the mix to keep things balanced.

4. What do you hoard?

Maybe it’s memories. Maybe it’s cat mugs. This shows not only how they view ~stuff,~ but what holds true value to them. Also! If they’re a legit hoarder, it’s probably a good idea to know that sooner rather than later so you can address it. Just saying.

5. What year was your favorite birthday?

Was it the year their friends threw them a huge surprise party or the year they spent alone, drinking beer, and reading a book? Sure, this can help you come up with ideas down the line but more importantly, it gives you an idea of what makes them feel special.

6. What’s your favorite way to spend a day off?

If you’re the kind of person who wants to spend your weekends relaxing with some wine instead of wake up early to go hiking, it’s a good idea to see if your future partner’s on the same page.

7. Did you have pets growing up?

Asking someone about their childhood can sometimes feel a little too heavy or vague, so asking about pets growing up is a simpler way to do that. Oftentimes family pets bring back great memories and it’ll give you an idea if they envision a future with a furry friend or not.

8. What’s your favorite part of the workday?

Granted, plenty of people aren’t the biggest fans of clocking into their jobs, but are you with an optimist or a pessimist? Regardless of how much your job sucks, there’s probably something good about it—even if it’s just the iced coffee that makes you 15 minutes late every morning or the check that pays for your shoe obsession. This can clue you into whether you not you’d be listening to work complaints every day for the rest of your life if you end up together.

9. Have you ever been to a family reunion?

Not only will this give you deets about their extended family (and if you’ll be expected to go to their grandma’s house every 4th of July), but here’s how you learn if they have a secret castle in England or are heirs to the Toaster Strudel fortune.

10. Where would you be happiest to live?

First of all, it sucks to start getting serious about someone only for them to move across the country because they always wanted to live in Colorado. Potential LDRs aside, someone’s dream location will probably give you a good idea of what sort of environment makes them happiest.

11. Have you ever read a book that changed your life?

Especially if you’re a reader, this is a super powerful question. Books tend to be extremely personal, and knowing what genres they like and what stories moved them can give you a deep insight into who they are. Plus, you might just get some awesome book recs that you two can chat about on your next date.

12. What age do you feel like?

As someone who feels like a perpetual 12-year-old, this is always an interesting one to ask. Are they an old soul or young at heart? This can also give you an idea of where they are in their life because if they feel older or younger than their age, it might give an idea of what they’re looking for in a relationship.

13. When was the last time you felt excited? And what was it for or because of?

      Licensed marriage and family therapist Billie Tyler suggests following up with questions like “What do you think excites you about that?” and “How do you know you are truly enjoying something?” to dive even deeper.

      14. What’s the funniest thing your inner child wants?

      Maybe it’s to eat dessert before dinner or twirl around outside while singing at the top of their lungs. Whatever it is, it’s the perfect excuse to do something unique on your date and learn a little more about their playful side.

      15. If you ended up in jail, what would your friends and family think you did?

          This answer could go one of two ways: It could be funny—like, I’d personally be arrested for robbing a CVS for all of their Reese’s peanut butter cups. But it could also be more serious and bring up events that may have happened in the past.

          Just remember: “You want to get into the person’s values, personality, beliefs, and pivotal moments that made them who they are today,” says relationship expert Sophie Mona Pagès, founder of LVRSNFRNDS.

          16. What’s your go-to French fry dip?

          No, it’s not going to solely determine whether you have a future together, but a shared love of ranch could be the start of a beautiful relationship. Also, whether they’re a health nut or feel impassioned about waffle fries over curly fries, this is your chance to learn more about their food habits and drunchie preferences.

          17. Have you ever become intensely invested in the fate of a TV show character?

          This is more fun to ask than “what’s your favorite show” because it’s a little more nuanced and gives insight into the types of characters that capture your date’s attention. Follow up with questions about why they were interested in the character and how they felt about where their story went (if you’re cool with spoilers, that is).

          18. If your life were a movie, what scene would you watch over and over again?

              One time, a date hit me with this question, and I’ve loved it ever since. It may take the person some time to come up with an answer on the spot, but it’s worth the wait.

              19. Thoughts on scary movies?

                  Apparently, if both of you are into scary movies, this is highly compatible, says marriage and family therapist Kati Marquez Meyers. Oh, and “people who enjoy scary movies tend to enjoy other adrenaline-inducing activities and also tend to identify themselves as risk-takers.”

                  20. What movie always makes you sad? What movie makes you happy?

                  Are they a Titanic type of person or a Lincoln type? Might as well know now if you’re going to be faced with a lifetime of falling asleep in theaters or arguing over who gets the remote.

                  21. What embarrassing moment has stuck with you over the years?

                  We all have moments that make us want to crawl in a hole and die, but being with someone who can laugh at past missteps is an extremely attractive quality, and shows they might be good at letting things go. Just be prepared to dish your embarrassing moments if you bring this up in convo!

                  22. On a scale of 1-10, how well do you seize the day?

                  Adding a scale makes answering more abstract questions a little easier since chances are their response changes depending on the day, situation, and mood. Listen to not only their response, by the “why” after it. Are they working hard to build a foundation for the future or do they care more about experiencing the now and aren’t as focused on what’s down the line? This can cue you into their goals and how they might align with yours.

                  23. What would be your last meal?

                  This is more fun to ask than “what’s your favorite food,” and you’ll probably get a better idea of the specific dishes they like. Plus, if this is a love connection, you now have the perfect menu for their birthday or special occasion.

                  24. What do you like about yourself today?

                  Some days we feel more confident than others, but it’s always important to take time to remember why you’re awesome. This will also give you some idea of what they value in others, whether it’s that their hair looks good or they spent all morning meal prepping for the week.

                  25. What is an area of your life where you feel like something is missing?

                      Meyers adds: “This question inspires self-reflection and invites discussion into your partner’s deeper innate wants, desires, and areas where they might be feeling inadequate.”

                      26. Does social media make you feel better or worse about yourself?

                      Are you looking for a partner who will share their life with your followers or someone who’s a little more private? How do you feel about being with someone who spends a lot of time scrolling? Chatting about your opinions and expectations surrounding social media can help determine whether you’ll be compatible down the line. If one of you is always taking selfies and the other doesn’t know how to hashtag, you might find yourselves butting heads.

                      27. What’s the best decision you’ve made in your life?

                          We all have a story to tell, and this question specifically “gives a glimpse of a person’s past and the way they tackle challenges in life,” says love and dating coach Sandra Henderson.

                          28. What’s the best decision you’ve made today?

                          Do they love that they took a walk? Wore the green shirt? Ordered the pasta instead of a salad? This will give you a glimpse at what they value in the everyday. Pro Tip: You might want to follow up that this isn’t a trick question so they don’t think they have to answer going on the date with you.

                          29. Would you consider yourself healed from the past?

                          This includes whether they’re healed from their past breakup, childhood trauma, a recent conflict at work, etc. “You don’t want to enter a relationship with someone who will project issues of the past onto you that are unrelated to you,” says counselor Sarah E. Williams. “Asking this question can help you determine if they are whole and fully ready to love.”

                          30. Which traits of your parents do you hope to never gain?

                          Not only will this give you some insight into their relationship with their family, but it’s a more subtle way of asking about what they value as well. Do they hope to be more present? Better at providing? Do they think their parents are perfect (which could also cause problems down the line)? Pay close attention not only to what they say but how they say it.

                          31. Which traits of your parents do you hope to adopt?

                          On the flip side, you want to know whether or not they see the good in people, and what sort of traits they value in others. Do they idolize their parents’ cooking skills? Ability to fix anything? Work ethic? No matter what their relationship is like, there’s a good chance there’s something they admire about their folks.

                          32. What are your long-term goals?

                          This is the super subtle (but actually genius!) way of asking someone what type of relationship they’re looking for. “This question allows you to get a good picture of what they are envisioning for their life and you get to see if a romantic relationship is part of their plan,” says relationship expert Stephania Cruz. “If they don’t mention having a romantic relationship as a goal, you can be more direct and ask them what their current relationship goals are.”

                          33. What are some of your biggest fears?

                          This can be as simple as spiders and snakes, or as deep as commitment, loneliness, and/or abandonment. “This question allows individuals to understand their partner’s vulnerabilities and sharing fears will strengthen the foundation of the relationship,” says psychiatrist Leela R. Magavi, MD. “It will also help gain insight into someone’s past and what helped to shape them.”

                          34. What music really affects your mood?

                          Maybe they get amped up with show tunes or can’t stand classical music. While a shared taste of music isn’t exactly a deal-breaker or sealer, it will not only give an idea of their likes and dislikes, but it can shine a light on how different stimuli affect their moods.

                          35. Who do you look up to the most?

                          In whatever way you want to interpret it, there’s a big difference between looking up to your grandpa versus someone like LeBron James. Whoever they look up to, this question will help “conceptualize the partner’s core values and personality type,” says Dr. Magavi.

                          36. What’s your love language?

                          Truly, the MVP of all questions. “This helps individuals identify their partner’s mode of giving and receiving love, which may improve communication and strengthen the relationship,” says Dr. Magavi. So take the quiz yourself to find out which of the five love languages is your strongest: words of affirmation, physical touch, quality time, gifts, or acts of service.

                          37. Where do you see yourself in five years?

                          “This question is great because it gives you an idea of that person’s goals and life vision. You can determine if they’re compatible with yours,” says Jonathan Bennett, a relationship expert.

                          38. What do you love most in your life right now?

                          This question unpacks not only what the other person values but also lets you glance into your potential compatibility, says Veronica Grant, a love and life coach. There’s no right or wrong answer, but depending on your personality (like you’re a go-getter and they’re happy just coasting through life), this question will take you straight to any potential personality clashes. You can either weed them out or start a fun convo about what the two of your visions together would look like, says Grant.

                          39. Which TV or movie character do you identify with and why?

                          “I love this question because it breaks the ice and helps paint a picture without anyone getting caught up in their own ego. We are taught to identify ourselves by our jobs, hobbies, and our education (boring!), and this question totally lightens things up a lot,” explains Nancy Ruth Deen, a relationship coach.

                          40. What did you wish for last, like at your birthday or when throwing a coin into a fountain?

                          Their answer will let you know what they think is unfulfilled in their life and what they hope for, says Diane Strachowski, PhD, a licensed psychologist and expert on attachment theory. Did they wish for love? Monetary things? A promotion?

                          41. What happened in your last relationship that led you two to break up?

                          “If they blame the other person and don’t take responsibility for their own part of it, watch out,” warns Margaret Paul, a relationship expert. Nothing says red flag like someone with nothing but “crazy” exes. Smh.

                          42. What is your relationship like with your family?

                          Not everyone is super close with their family, but depending on how they view their relationship with them, this can tell you a lot. “Sometimes, what’s going on in the family can have a big effect on the relationship,” says Paul.

                          43. Who did you turn to as a child when you were scared, lonely, hurt?

                          If they say “no one” and dealt with stressful situations alone, this is a good indicator that this is how they’ll handle current and future stressors now. On the other hand, if they went to their parents all the time for everything, they might need a lot of validation from a partner, explains Strachowski.

                          44. How do you deal with finances? Do you spend too much or too little?

                          Sure, combining finances is a step for WAY down the line, but still, it’s worth asking as finances can be a huge issue in relationships, according to Paul. It can also be a good indicator of how they deal with life, in general. Are spontaneous weekend trips to Paris going to be a thing? Or are you guys gonna cook dinner at home more often than not?

                          45. What are you most proud of and why?

                          This question lets you see what they value and how they spend their free time, explains Strachowski. Are they most proud of how their city soccer team went 10-0 last year, or do their eyes light up when they talk about the coffee table they built for their apartment last year?

                          46. What do you do need during periods of stress? Do you call someone to vent? Do you spend time alone to think it through?

                          How they answer will let you know what they expect from close ones during rough times, whether it be closeness and a shoulder to cry on or space, explains Strachowski. If you wind up dating and you find that they withdraw from you when they’re lonely, remind yourself of this so you don’t take it personally.

                          47. Who is your biggest influence and why?

                          This question can give you insight into a person’s core values, according to Bennett. If they name their single mother for raising them, they value responsibility and family. If they rattle off someone like Woody Allen, you can run.

                          48. What are your favorite addictions?

                          By addictions, we mean anything from chocolate to working out or Netflix. “Everyone has some addictions,” says Paul. The question is, are they going to be honest?

                          49. Are you a neat person or a messy person? Are you an on time person or a late person?

                          Even if you’re not planning on moving in together or you’re just gonna be BFFs, someone’s baseline definition of “messy” can be super insightful. Are they gonna be pissed if you spread all your makeup out on the counter for a night out, or will you be annoyed if the laundry piles up on a chair for a week? “It’s much easier if you are both neat or both messy, or both on time or late,” Paul adds.

                          50. Use five words to describe your mother/father, giving examples to support each.

                          Depending on how they answer, you can gain a lot of info on what they did or didn’t get from their parents and what they admire or look for in a person of the opposite or same sex, says Strachowski.

                          51. Do you believe in karma?

                          “This is a good question to get to know someone because it shows whether they believe there are consequences to their actions,” says Laurie Berzack, MSW, a relationship expert and dating coach. If a coworker screws them over at work, are they going to stay up for days stewing about how to get revenge, or are they more the type to forgive and forget?

                          52. What was the scariest moment of your life, and how did you handle it?

                          This one is interesting because it can open the door to either emotional history or just life stories in general. Was it when they got laid off from their dream job or was it when they got lost while hiking with friends? How they answer reveals their ability to overcome conflict and challenges, says Berzack.

                          53. Where is your happy place?

                          Another open-ended cutie that can segue into good follow-up questions, depending on how they answer. If it’s a physical place like the gym, or that one great hiking spot on their favorite trail, you can talk about those interests. If it’s a more abstract answer like “any time I finish a book that’s so good I immediately flip to the first page and start again,” that’s a good convo starter, too. “This question allows you to learn what the other person truly enjoys in life,” says Bennett. You can also use it to plan for future dates, gift ideas, etc.

                          54. What makes you cry and why?

                          “Knowing someone’s soft side is important to know what triggers them. If they don’t cry, they may not be sensitive,” says Strachowski. Again, if you’re sobbing on a movie date in the future and look over to see nothin’ but stoicism on their face, they’re not a heartless robot—they just have a higher cry threshold than you.

                          55. When is the last time you got really angry, and why?

                          This can be an unobtrusive way to find out the extent to which your date is trying to control the world around him or her, says Berzack. Plus, it opens the door for some lighthearted hate-bonding, whether it be over little or big things. Was the last time they got fired up because someone cut them off in traffic? Or, when they saw a bunch of people during rush hour refuse to give up their seat to an elderly person?

                          56. What is your best quality?

                          “It’s always interesting to see what a person thinks is their best quality. By asking this question, you get insight into how the person views themselves and what they think is an important aspect of who they are,” explains sex therapist Christopher Ryan Jones.

                          57. Which song or artist are you too embarrassed to say you absolutely love right now?

                          Not only does this give you a chance to potentially geek out over which Taylor Swift album is best (the only correct answer is “Folklore,” obviously), but it also shows playfulness and vulnerability, especially if you’ve just met, says Deen.

                          58. Are you friends with any of your exes?

                          This question lets you know two important things in one, explains Jones. It gives you insight into their past relationships and how they ended (does everything seem to go up in a huge wreck or do things end amicably?), and if they are friends, you’ll know now and won’t be surprised if/when they get a text from an ex they’re still close with.

                          59. Ask them to complete this sentence: “I most enjoy having someone to do ______ with.”

                          Sometimes, a person’s intentions can be clearly discussed by simply asking them. Strachowski recommends listening closely to see if what they’re seeking aligns with what you can give someone right now. Are they looking for a romantic partner, a best friend, or just a casual movie buddy?

                          60. If money wasn’t a factor, what would you be doing with your life right now?

                          This is a fun one that can tell you a lot about a person and their passions without them feeling too self-conscious about it, explains Deen. Do they want to be directing movies? Working with animals? Traveling the world? Depending on their answer, you’ve also got great banter to go off of afterward.

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