I’m absolutely not going to say, “Dinner is served and it’s you,” (except I just did, sorry not sorry) but there are all kind of reasons you and your partner can and should get your asses up on a table for table sex. For one, it’s convenient—the table is right there, waiting. But mainly because you can do all kinds of sex stuff on it, including standing sex, dramatic I-must-have-you-now sex, tabletop versions of missionary and doggy, and surprisingly comfortable oral.
So how do you get to this swoony, hot sex (without injuring yourselves or important body parts)? First, make sure your table is sturdy. Like, actually sturdy. Also, assess its general f*ckability. “Note the height of the table vis-a-vis the junk of the penetrating person,” says staff sexologist at Good Vibrations Carol Queen, PhD, curator of the Antique Vibrator Museum. An ideal table-to-junk level is waist-high for the penetrating partner, if penetration is happening, she says. “If you’re going for oral, just pull up a chair.”
Next, think about what sexessories you might need and have ‘em ready, including lubricant and condoms. Cover the table with something soft and waterproof like a Fascinator Throw sex blanket, so you can really lube yourself up or squirt with abandon knowing cleanup will be a breeze. If the table fuckery is a last-minute idea: “Repurpose that yoga mat and thank me later,” Queen says.
And don’t be afraid to incorporate other sex toys—tables give you excellent access to the rest of your body parts. “Pounding your partner over a table creates the perfect opportunity for a double-fill, inserting a dildo or a butt plug into their remaining hole for extra stimulation,” says dominatrix Ruby Payne, sex expert at adult toy retailer UberKinky. “If your partner is a vulva-owner, gently massage their clit with a vibrator for twice the buzz.”
And last but not least, communicate! Just because you’re bonin’ on a table doesn’t mean you get to skip the important conversations. “Anticipating your needs and taking care of yourself are non-negotiable with new sex acts,” says licensed psychologist Dr. Shannon Chavez, sex therapist for K-Y. If want to keep things hot and heavy, you can mask your requests in dirty talk, like, “I want to feel your hands cupping my ass,” instead of, “It’s weird to have my butt banging against this hard surface.” Non-verbal cues can also work, like using a kiss or touch to segue into a comfier position.
Ready to hop up on that sexy sexy table? Here are some positions to try.
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1.The House Special
So easy, yet so good. Sit at the edge of a table while your partner stands to enter via penis or strap-on. You’ll have all the space you need to rub your clit or get to it with a clit suction toy. The eye contact and dual stimulation will have you rolling your eyes back in your head and speaking in tongues. Plus, you get to sit down. C’mon!
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2. Counter Service
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Standing oral sex FTW! Sit at the edge of a table (kitchen counter works too) so your partner can go down on you. Have them sit down so they can take their sweet time with you in comfort. You can sit up to watch or just lie back on the table with your legs over their shoulders so you can just focus on the feel of their mouth on you.
3. Tabletop BDSM
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One of you bends over the table and gets your legs bound to the table legs. What’s next? Penetration? Tormenting via toy? A spanking? Guess you’ll find out, won’t you? “Sex on a table is great way to enjoy BDSM on a budget! Who needs a fancy spanking bench when you can use what you already have? (Plus, you’ll have stimulating memories to think back on the next time you’re eating a meal there),” says kink educator Alesandra Madison, creator of Domsubliving.com.
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4. Table for One
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If it’s just you, you can still get some of that table love. “If you prefer solid, steady pressure on your clit, ride and grind the edge of your table or desk,” says resident certified sex therapist at SexualAlpha, Aliyah Moore, PhD. Put a blanket or thick towel down for comfort and, if you want more throbbiness, prop a strong wand vibe under the towel and hold the hell on.
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5. Table Queening
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Use a low table, like a coffee table, to experiment with a gentler version of facing sitting. Your partner lies on the sturdy (yes, sturdy, you heard me) table with their head at the edge. You can either straddle their face or kneel beside the table. All the oral, with 80 percent less face-crushing!
6. Mirror, Mirror
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“Table” sex works in the bathroom, too—just use the countertop as your table. “You can gaze at each other in the mirror for more intimacy,” says licensed marriage and family therapist for Adam & Eve, Jenni Skyler, PhD, CST, and AASECT certified sex therapist. Make it extra luxe with this genius hack: “For cold countertops or extra coziness, throw a towel in the dryer for five minutes to warm it up, then cover the countertop so you can lay your chest on the warm, plush towel.”
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