Let’s be honest: If you’re a sex-having adult, you’ve probably either sent or received nudes at some point in your life. It’s 2023, and for most people, digital proof of sexual expression in a relationship isn’t just common, it’s pretty widely accepted as long as it’s between consenting adults. But what happens if your situationship ends, your long-term relationship breaks off, or you stop casually seeing your sneaky link? Is it okay to keep your ex’s nudes?
It’s important to remember that while nudes are a large part of the new age of sex, everyone takes them for different reasons. Maybe taking nudes makes you feel sexy and confident about yourself and your body, maybe you want to show off for your hookup, or maybe you’re in a long-distance relationship and looking to let off some sexual steam. Either way, sending and receiving nudes is a choice made between, again, consenting adults. No matter the reasons for sending, there is, ideally, trust between all parties involved.
In an ideal world, the couple (nudes aren’t exclusively for committed partners, but let’s call both sender and receiver a “couple,” in this case) would have a conversation around boundaries before either person has pressed send on their sexy pic. Addressing questions like: What should I do with these pics if we break things off? Would you feel comfortable if I kept them? Do you prefer I delete them right after sexting? Even stating that the nudes are “for your eyes only” can be an excellent way to set boundaries. Of course, we know conversations around consent and boundaries are important, and if everything happened perfectly, they’d be had before the heat of the moment. But in reality, it’s uncertain how many people are actually having these conversations around nudes before the fire starts, if at all.
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So…what then? Should you be able to keep a nude if it was made specifically for you? Does it depend on the nature of the breakup? Do you have to ask your ex? To settle this, I asked 10 folks of all backgrounds, ages and genders for their thoughts, below. It turns out, everyone has a different opinion, but when it comes down to it, one thing is true: We’re all just trying to do what feels right!
1. “I think deciding to keep nudes comes down to ‘Do you only have this picture because we’re dating?’ I take a lot of nudes to post on sites like Reddit and would have no qualms if an ex had one of me on their phone—in theory, lots of people have it on their phone. But if it’s a picture that was exclusively taken for or with them, or if it shows more identifiable features than I’d ever post on the internet, then I’d prefer they delete.” – Ky, 25
2. “I think [it’s] not [okay]. If that’s the case, then they aren’t fully done with that relationship. But then again, it’s just nudes and could be viewed just as porn, but only if there aren’t emotions still attached.” – Maddie, 27
3. “I’m not the person who typically deletes photos from past relationships, and it’s the same when it comes to ex’s nudes. If there was enough trust there to make an exchange and nobody’s communicated they aren’t comfortable with it, I think keeping them is okay. With all these photo memories available on different apps, however, I do tend to add it to the hidden folder so there are no untimely surprises.” – Sierra, 28
4. “No, once that relationship is done, so should any evidence of intimacy.” – Hugo, 55
5. “I really think it’s a case-by-case basis. Did they ask you to delete them? If so, then there’s your answer. If they didn’t specifically ask, and you’re now single, then I don’t see the harm in keeping them. But if you enter into a new monogamous relationship, then I think it’s important to be honest about what you still have on your phone. I think it’s important to ask yourself, and each other, What do I still need or want these pictures for? What purpose are they serving me?” – Heather, 26
6. “Once you’ve broken up, there is no reason to keep them, for personal pleasure or not.” – Jessica, 21
7. “If you trusted me once, though no human is perfect, you can always trust me. The moments shared are lifelong and meaningful. While I might no longer be with an ex, I carry them with me and they carry me with them. I would never share secrets or nudes with anyone and I trust past partners to do the same. I might look at their nudes once a year, maybe every two or three… but I think nudes are totems of love gone by, a sweeter time. I would be more offended if an ex threw them away. I made them for that person. It was a gift, a part of me, a moment where I wanted them to see me a certain way. If someone hacks a phone or hard drive, and nudes got out, it’s okay. The moment you had me is still only yours. I’m not that person anymore, and neither are you, and that can be beautiful too.” – Christopher, 43
8. “Mmm… no. Gotta know when to let a good thing go.” – Ismahan, 24
9. “If your ex asks you to delete them, you absolutely should. Similarly, you should not be showing nudes of your ex to your friends or anyone else. You shouldn’t be sending nudes of your current partner to your friends unless you have explicit consent to do so. However, if your ex didn’t ask you to delete them, it’s a bit of a gray area. Nudes, in a way, are a gift. They’re a private gift, but a gift nonetheless. If your ex gave you a fabulous shirt as a gift, you’d still likely keep the shirt (unless wearing it brought back negative memories). I’m aware nudes aren’t the same as a shirt, but a part of me can’t help but wonder if the same rules should apply here. I have to ask, though, why are you keeping them? If you had a rough breakup and are still in love with the person, it doesn’t benefit you to hold onto them. For your mental health, you should delete them. You shouldn’t be looking at them or masturbating to them because doing so is going to slow down the process of getting over your ex.” – Zach, 30
10. “If they are with another person, no way. If they are single, maybe.” – Jessi, 31
Writer
Hayley Folk is a writer and editor based in New York City. She enjoys creating content on travel, LGBTQ+, lifestyle, personal narratives and sex and wellness. Her work has appeared in Refinery29, Men’s Health, PopSugar, Bustle, and more. Most often, she can be found on an airplane, thrifting, or writing in a coffee shop somewhere.