POV: You’re swiping through the usual suspects on your go-to dating app—guy holding up a fish (nope), guy with his ex clearly cropped out (bye), guy with so many group pics you’re basically playing a game of Where’s Waldo (just…stop).
You pause on a guy who’s totally your type: attractive, employed, with photos that feel actually candid and not at all forced. You’re about to swipe right, until you get to his final photo…one of him with a cat. His bio confirms it: “Cat dad.” You shudder and swipe left. *sigh* He was almost perfect.
If this feels like a familiar scenario, you’re not alone. A 2020 Colorado State University study found men holding cats on dating apps were seen as “less dateable” to cisgender heterosexual women because said cats made them look “less masculine” and “more neurotic” (!!) than men not holding a cat. A 2015 University of Nevada study found that when given the choice, an overwhelming majority of women preferred to date a guy who owned a dog over a cat.
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And honestly? Fine, everyone has their preferences. But just wondering: When did a Hinge cat daddy become as big of a pass as a dude holding up a dead fish? They don’t deserve the same hate! Especially considering the biases against cat daddies are rooted in gross assumptions and BS sexism. Don’t believe us? We spoke to actual cat owners to prove it.
Take Nathan Kehn, 33, cat daddy to four furchildren, who says they were a deal breaker in his last relationship. When discussing moving in together, his now-ex asked him to give up his cats, and he said no. Today, he’s single and “amazed” by how many potential dates think it’s “okay to be so rude” about him owning cats. Kehn has leaned into this stereotype by jokingly referring to himself as Nathan The Cat Lady on social media. “I figured the best way to break the stigma was to embrace it and then make people think it’s cool.”
Sterling Davis, 43, cat dad of three (who, btw, has rescued thousands of kitties), runs into the same issue. “Being a cat dad has actually been tough on the dating life, especially as a Black man. I’ve met a lot of women who were either afraid of cats, didn’t like cats, or felt like men aren’t supposed to have cats. I’ve heard things like ‘Why don’t you have a dog?’ or ‘What is that thing?’ That one is the worst….Do not call my baby a thing—they all have names!”
You might recognize Kehn and Davis from Shark Tank, where they pitched a dating app for cat people, Tabby Dates, in 2021. They made a deal on the show, but today, the deal is no longer in place and the app is on ~paws~. (Sorry, couldn’t not.) Kehn hopes Tabby Dates will get a second life with the help of the right investor so they can continue to “help people find someone to love their cats like they do.”
So…Why Are Cats Such a Turn-Off for Some People?
Bias might make you believe that a cat owner’s home isn’t as clean as, say, a dog owner’s home, since dogs go to the bathroom outside and cats use indoor litter boxes. So it’s easy to mentally equate that fact with a lack of cleanliness, and if you’re particularly allergic, the idea of cat hair (or animal hair in general) can be, in a word, terrifying. Kehn says he’s experienced this bias in his own dating life, as women often ask him if his house “smells like pee” because of his cats. He finds this, understandably, v annoying. “I’m an adult and take care of my pets,” he says.
Additionally, cats have historically been associated as feminine symbols—from goddesses in mythology to witches in folklore. They’re seen as “domesticated, delicate, and graceful animals, which are considered more feminine features,” explains Lisa Lawless, PhD, CEO of Holistic Wisdom, Inc. But hi! Thinking that a cat daddy is less masculine than a dog daddy is so biased and unfair, and tbh, kind of incredibly sexist!
A few folks have said there’s less bias toward cat daddies in the LGBTQ+ community. Richie, 30, says they’re generally more accepted and that when he sees a guy with a cat on a dating profile, “I’m already thinking about how, long-term, it would be really challenging to acclimate both cats (his and mine) to a new home.” (And ICYW, yes, Richie is a Cancer).
KJ, 27, who’s bisexual, says she would swipe right on a guy’s profile because of his cat. “Something about the gentle implication makes me feel so safe, and I already feel like he’s more intelligent, probably votes for women’s rights, and knows about good wine,” she says. (And FYI…cat owners do tend to be more intellectual, according to a 2014 Carroll University study).
An Earnest Case for Giving Cat Daddies a Chance
The same Colorado State University study that found cat daddies to be “less dateable” also found them to be “more agreeable” and “open-minded”—great qualities in a potential partner! Linda Bailey Walsh, cat mom of two and host of the Hatedate podcast, says she “unsurprisingly” finds herself swiping right on guys with cats because “I noticed a lot of men who really hate cats, [actually] hate that they can’t make the cats do what they want, and that’s a sign of control issues to me.”
And according to sexologist and relationship coach Lilith Foxx, cat owners tend to be more patient, since building trust with a cat often requires more time and understanding. “They’re generally more sensitive to the needs and boundaries of their pets, which can translate into being empathetic, attentive, and mindful of consent in a relationship,” she says.
So maybe think twice the next time you’re tempted to swipe left on a cat daddy. With so many other actual dating app deal breakers out there, drop your cat daddy bias and give these eligible dudes a chance. Ya know, unless patient, intelligent, empathetic lovers aren’t your thing.
Gabi Conti is a writer, host, comedian, storyteller, and soon to be author. Gabi went on ten thousand hours worth of dates in her 20s (so she calls herself a “sex columnist” but her mom still calls her “a disappointment”). She’s sharing her knowledge in her book 20 Guys You Date in Your 20s, which comes out Spring 2020 with Chronicle. She hosts Street Smarts for Brother HQ on Snapchat and has contributed to Hello Giggles, Elite Daily, Mind Body Green, Brit+Co, POPSUGAR, and Thought Catalog. She’s very active on Instagram, so follow her there: @itsgabiconti.