Hey, you! Welcome to the little corner of Cosmo that we call Free Therapy. We’re glad you’re here. This is where we take reader questions—about family feuds, work woes, friendship fiascos, mental health headaches, and everything in between—and get answers on how to deal from our advice columnist extraordinaire, therapist Minaa B.
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Dear Minaa,
I’ve been through many messy breakups in my life, but I recently ended things with a good friend, and I’m doubting my decision. I’ve known the person in question since college. We were in the same sorority (hi, 100+ mutual ride-or-dies!) and we became closer when we both moved to NYC after graduation. She was the kind of friend who would show up with two bottles of wine after a bad day, the kind of friend I trusted with my phone passcode.
But in the span of a few months, she split from her long-term boyfriend and lost her father. After that, she started to become more and more critical of my own relationship, saying she missed when I was single and that I was a “bad wing-woman” for not staying out with her until 3 a.m. every weekend.
One night at a group dinner, she drank too many margs, scoffed at my new entry-level job, and said my boyfriend wasn’t capable of real commitment—all before our apps even arrived. I knew her life wasn’t easy at the time, but these personal jabs hurt. I was starting to feel like a punching bag. I texted her the next day and said I needed to take a step back from our friendship. My heart raced when her chat ellipsis popped up, and I was heartbroken by her response: “Sure.”
In the weeks that followed, she temporarily moved back home to be closer to her family. I thought not having her around would be a relief, but it’s been a lonely six months. Now she plans to move back to the city, and I can’t imagine us not catching up over watered-down well drinks at our favorite dive bar. I miss her, and I wonder if I was maybe a little harsh in cutting her out during such an emotional moment in her life. But I have no idea how to approach her again….Can you help?
Dear Reader,
Your friend has been through it, and people can often act differently or lose perspective during difficult times. She was looking for community and connection, but she went about it in the wrong way. By saying she missed when you were single together, she disregarded the fact that your life had changed. It was clear you couldn’t be the late-night companion she needed at the time, and that’s okay. Your priorities had shifted, and she should not have labeled or judged you for them.
So I don’t think you made a mistake in stepping back. You didn’t feel safe in the relationship, and you protected yourself. When we aren’t used to setting boundaries, it can feel uncomfortable to choose ourselves, but you don’t have to second-guess your decision.
In terms of moving forward, take a moment to confirm why you want to reach back out. Try making a list of friendship deposits and withdrawals. Deposits are like investments: How has she encouraged you or the friendship in the past? As for withdrawals, I can see that your friend might be controlling at times, she might cross boundaries, and she doesn’t seem to be making space for you to evolve. When you’re done, compare the two lists and notice whether you’re left feeling more built up or drained.
If it’s the former, in order to move forward, you have to discuss the ways she hurt you. From what I can tell by her response to your text, she may not understand how her actions pushed you away. So you’ll have to express your frustrations as well as your needs.
A great way to navigate this conversation is to use the sandwich method. Start with something positive, like, “It’s been a while since we’ve talked, and I miss you.” Then get into the ways her actions hurt you and what could have been done differently. From there, finish on a more optimistic note, saying, “Even though we’ve had rough moments, I appreciate you listening to me.” You’re giving her a chance to show you she feels remorse—and you’re seeing for yourself if the way she treated you is part of a pattern she’s willing to change. If she is ready to take accountability, there’s definitely hope.
If, however, your list experiment reveals a lot of withdrawals, it could be that you want to get back in touch with her because you’re feeling guilty about protecting yourself. I encourage you to challenge those thoughts: Do you really want to emotionally blackmail yourself to get into a relationship with this person again?
It’s important to remember that missing someone is not a reason to bring them back into your life. That feeling is an emotional response to the loss of a relationship, and it sounds like this friendship meant a lot to you. You two were very close at one time, so it makes sense that you’re grieving, but that’s not always an indicator you should try to make it work.
Free Therapy Advice Columnist
Minaa B., LMSW, is a therapist, writer, and speaker and the founder of Minaa B. Consulting, where she works with busy professionals on enhancing their well-being and developing workplace boundaries to improve their mental health. She is a cohost on Sydel Curry-Lee’s podcast Because Life and sits on the mental health advisory committee for Wondermind, a mental-fitness company cofounded by Selena Gomez.