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Dear Minaa,
One of my best friends from college and I are still close, but our friendship has changed a lot over the past few years. I think part of it stems from her spending most of the pandemic alone and feeling isolated.
We talk a lot about how frustrated she is with her dating life and how she’s recently taken steps to ensure that she can be a parent without a partner. Lately, she’s been playing with the idea of starting IVF soon-ish—and she just turned 30. In my opinion, she’s getting a bit ahead of herself. Another change: She’s making an effort to stand up to toxic people in her life and let them know how they’ve wronged her. Now, most of our conversations center on how she plans to call them out or on rehashing these bad interactions over and over again.
While I’m happy to see she’s taking charge of her life, I’m worried she’s creating new problems that will have a negative impact on her mental health. I should say that she does see a therapist regularly, takes mental-health-related medication, and, in theory, prioritizes her emotional well-being. But even so, her overall personality has shifted to become more negative and generally angry at the world. It’s gotten to the point where I’ve been thinking about spending some time away from her.
Honestly, I think she’s getting in the way of her own happiness—and that’s hard to be around and upsetting to witness—but is it my place to say anything? If not, what can I do to support her?
Dear Reader,
First, you should know it’s normal and healthy for friendships to change over time. That’s especially true for friends who meet in college. At that stage, you were still trying to figure out what you wanted your lives to look like—and that was likely very different from where you’re both at right now.
I also want to normalize what your friend has gone through since the pandemic started: All of the things coming to the surface for her—dealing with loneliness, frustrations with dating, thinking more seriously about parenting—came up for many people during the past couple of years. And it sounds like she’s now doing the things she genuinely believes will make her happier in the end. The thing I’m curious about is the way you feel her decisions have affected your relationship or even you personally. The next time she fills you in on everything going on in her life, try to sit with any upsetting feelings that arise and ask yourself, What’s at the root of these emotions? Am I uncomfortable with her dumping her problems on me, or is it the fact that she’s doing something I don’t agree with?
If you realize that her unloading on you every time you hang out is the issue, it might be time to set some boundaries. You can start by saying, “You know, when you talk about all these negative issues, it’s really emotionally overwhelming and I feel like it’s impacting our relationship.” It’s a tough conversation to have, but it can help you preserve the other parts of your friendship.
Or maybe it’s not the problem-dumping that’s bothering you. Maybe it’s that she’s doing things you totally disagree with. When friends share stuff, they’re inviting us into their business. So you’re welcome to give your opinion about whatever it is she brings up—and maybe doing so will make you feel better. Like, if she says she’s decided to start IVF, you could reply, “I think you’re doing this too soon and you should give yourself more time to think this through.” That’s a normal and healthy conversation—just reassure her that you’re not judging, you support her, and you only want to be truthful.
If she doesn’t take your advice and you’re upset by that, dig deeper into your reaction. It likely has more to do with your emotions than your friend’s choices. You ask if she’s getting in the way of her own happiness, but who gets to determine what makes your friend happy? Are you projecting what you think happiness looks like onto your friend?
I also wonder if you feel like you need to rescue her or fix things for her? But even though it can feel scary (for both of you), your friend has to make her own decisions and learn from whatever happens next. If her actions do end up creating new problems or negatively impacting her mental health, that’s on your friend. It’s not your responsibility.
Listen, you’re not a bad person for wanting your friend to do what you think is best for her. Ultimately, you love her and want to protect her. But it sounds like she’s doing what she thinks is best for her, and I’d love for you to see her decisions from that perspective instead of from a place of fear or worry.
Overall, you two would definitely benefit from more open and honest conversations while staying mindful of your boundaries and hers. That’s the best way to help her right now.
Free Therapy Advice Columnist
Minaa B., LMSW, is a therapist, writer, and speaker and the founder of Minaa B. Consulting, where she works with busy professionals on enhancing their well-being and developing workplace boundaries to improve their mental health. She is a cohost on Sydel Curry-Lee’s podcast Because Life and sits on the mental health advisory committee for Wondermind, a mental-fitness company cofounded by Selena Gomez.