When it comes to kink and BDSM, two of the most commonly used labels are “Dom” and “sub.” Dom stands for “Dominant,” i.e. the partner who leads the play. Sub stands for “submissive,” the partner who follows the Dom. In consensual kink scenarios involving BDSM, the Dom/sub dynamic is foundational.
The terms Dom and sub are not just unspoken labels that BDSM partners automatically take on. Each role needs to be clearly defined, as does what that role actually means to each partner. No two Dom/sub dynamics are exactly alike. Every single one is cultivated by the individuals who are playing, according to their unique needs, desires, and boundaries. Some people are always Dom or always sub, while others may switch back and forth. Figuring out how you want your dynamic to function means frank discussion about the roles you and a partner will be undertaking during kinky sex is a must. It takes learning about kink, figuring out what you like, and being able to communicate clearly.
Before you can do any of that, you have to understand the nature of the Dom/sub dynamic down to the nuts and bolts. BDSM is, at its core, about consensual power exchange between two willing partners. It is also, as kink instructor and sex expert Julieta Chiara tells Cosmo, “a consensual and creative form of sexual expression that involves exploring and experimenting with different activities such as bondage, dominance, submission, sadism, and masochism.” All of these behaviors hinge on the Dom/sub dynamic. Therefore, understanding what it is and how it functions is fundamental to being able to play with kink in a safe and healthy way.
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What Is a Dom?
A Dom is short for dominant, aka the more aggressive person during a consensual BDSM scenario. A Dom might derive sexual pleasure from activities where they are in control of their submissive partner’s climax through forced orgasms, ruined orgasms, or orgasm denial. Other common Dom activities might include the dominant partner using a remote control sex toy on the submissive partner, or a Dom face-sitting (also called queening) on their partner.
What Is a Sub?
A sub is short for submissive, aka the more submissive person during a consensual BDSM scenario. A sub might derive sexual pleasure from activities where they can be disciplined, punished, spanked, or otherwise dominated by their partner. The sub in this dynamic might enjoy their partner controlling a remote control sex toy or panty vibe on them or being tied up during sex.
What Is the Appeal of the Dom/sub Dynamic?
The Dom/sub dynamic is about the giving and receiving of power. It can be a way of escaping into a world of fantasy through sexual expression.
This dynamic is often seen as a way to safely explore power exchange, trust, and vulnerability between partners. “The submissive partner gives up control and trusts the dominant partner to take care of them, while the Dominant partner takes on the responsibility of leading and guiding the submissive partner,” Chiara adds. It is this exchange of power that acts as a source of pleasure and fulfillment for both partners. The joy isn’t just orgasms and pleasure, it’s the power exchange itself.
Celina Criss, PhD, a certified sex coach specializing in BDSM and GSRD, tells Cosmo there are a lot of personal reasons someone may seek out consensual D/s relationships. It can be about exploring control, specific roles, surrender, service, routine, hierarchy etc.
Here Are a Few Common Dom/sub Relationships Styles:
● A classic D/s bondage scene: Where the Dom acts as a master over the submissive. This can include a range of activities such as punishment, bondage, or sensory play.
● A caretaking scene: Where the Dom “takes care” of the sub. The sub is called a “Little” in this dynamic.
● A Dom/brat scene: The sub is a “brat” and purposely “disobeys” the Dom in order to receive punishments.
● A Master/pet: Where the Dom is a pet-owner and the sub is the pet.
How to Have Healthy Boundaries in a Dom Sub Relationship
1. Always discuss limits and expectations beforehand
There should always be an understanding that this is a consensual dynamic and that no matter what role each person is playing, both have the right to stop play at any time if it gets uncomfy. Even if the submissive is playing submissive, they should be able to pull the plug. Likewise for a Dom! Just because they’ve agreed to be a Dom in this scenario, if they feel uncomfortable going as hard as their sub would like, they can stop at any time.
2. Define what BDSM and D/s roles look like for you
Only you and your play partners can define what BDSM is for you. While it can be easy to try to model your own BDSM play off of others’ experiences, clinical sexologist Ness Cooper explains that it’s crucial to explore and express what BDSM means and looks like to you and your partner(s), rather than trying to follow someone else’s script.
This, friends, takes time and patience. Start exploring online. Look for BDSM classes (like this one that Chiara teaches). This way, you can come to the play with a better understanding of how you’d like to co-create your scene with your partner. Don’t be afraid to get creative. Kink is about breaking open the box, not fitting inside of it.
3. Have a safe word (or two)
Many people use a word for “yellow” which means, “I’m approaching my limit, let’s pause and back off a little,” and a word for “red” which means hard stop, no questions asked.
4. Practice aftercare when the sex is over
Aftercare is a common BDSM practice where the Dom and sub reassure each other that the kink scenario they just played out is not reflective of real life. This can look like a Dom reassuring their sub, getting them a glass of water, or cuddling. It’s like when the director of a movie yells “Cut!” and things go back to normal.
As Angela Watson, a clinical social worker and sex therapist who runs DoctorClimax previously explained to Cosmopolitan, “Aftercare is all about re-establishing the dynamic that was [consensually] exploited during [kinky] sex.”
5. Check in regularly
If you’re playing with Dom/sub roles, you want to continue having ongoing check-ins with your partner(s) to ensure everyone is still on the same page and engaging in the play they want to engage in. Spoiler: People change their minds and want to explore or not explore certain things at different points in their lives. Continuing to check in with partners over the course of your relationship is a crucial part of maintaining safe, consensual play for everyone involved.
Related Terms
Dom and Sub Relationships in Pop Culture
Probably the most famous Dom and sub relationship would be 50 Shades of Grey, with Christian as the Dom and Anastasia as the sub. But—and big but here—it is worth noting that while Christian is a Dom in the sense that he’s dominant, Anastasia’s character isn’t quite a sub in the proper, kink-dictionary-level sense.
This is because Anastasia doesn’t express equal footing in their relationship and their rough sex is more about Christian onboarding an inexperienced Anastasia into aspects of BDSM rather than two equally enthusiastic partners coming to a mutual dom-sub dynamic for kinky sex.
In a legit dom-sub relationship, the dynamic ends after play, so Anastasia living in Christian’s house and having to see doctors that Christian facilitates that put her on birth control is just Christian being controlling, and past the point of what a dom in a kink scene would do.
So, in terms of recognition, 50 Shades did popularize the BDSM aspect of sex superficially with the whips and blindfolds, but their Dom/sub relationship isn’t a healthy example of a Dom and sub relationship.
If you’re interested in getting a peek at some healthier, more realistic pop culture examples of the D/s dynamic, Criss offers some 50 Shades alternatives, pointing out that while “none of these are perfect, few things are as bad as the 50 Shades trainwreck.” We’d really have to agree.
- Secretary
- Phantom Thread (not an obvious D/s, but IYKYK)
- S&M Sally
- Love & Leashes
- The Duke of Burgundy
- The Ceremony
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Gigi Engle is a writer, certified sexologist, sex coach, and sex educator. Her work regularly appears in many publications including Brides, Marie Claire, Elle Magazine, Teen Vogue, Glamour and Women’s Health.