Hey, you! Welcome to the little corner of Cosmo that we call Free Therapy. We’re glad you’re here. This is where we take reader questions—about family feuds, work woes, friendship fiascos, mental health headaches, and everything in between—and get answers on how to deal from our advice columnist extraordinaire, therapist Minaa B.
If you need help setting boundaries, standing up to your boss, or finding the right words when talking to your toxic mom…you’re in the right place. And if you’ve got questions of your own for Minaa, send ’em right here: cosmofreetherapy@gmail.com. No health insurance (or $$$ at all, for that matter) required.
Dear Minaa,
Can couples with fundamental belief differences last beyond the honeymoon phase? I’m an atheist, but my partner grew up Catholic. We’ve skirted the topic of faith so far, but he recently said in passing that he wants to raise any kids the way he was raised. I obviously don’t agree, but I don’t want to rock the boat too early.
Dear Reader,
It’s common for people to avoid conversations about important things like spirituality because they’re scared of causing a rupture. But you need to have these tough talks in the short term to see if you’re compatible in the long term. Otherwise, you’re building a relationship on shaky ground, which can cause resentment and continuous conflict later on.
Now, it’s true that after you tell him where you stand on raising kids Catholic, both of you may realize this partnership can’t go anywhere. That’s ultimately okay—it’s selfish to create an idea in your head of what you want for your future and then wait for a moment deep into the relationship to share it. Communication is key. When you withhold it, you withhold the truth—and the possibility for solutions and compromise.
Dear Minaa,
For two seasons now, The White Lotus has been trying to ruin my marriage. Every time I witness one of its characters behaving badly (see: Tanya’s shitty partner, all the cheating millennials), I find myself giving my husband extreme side-eye and treating him as if he’s doing the same thing. Of course my spouse isn’t perfect, but I also know he’s not the monster I project onto him after each drama-filled episode. Or…is he? Are shows like this surfacing our own unspoken issues, however small, that should be aired? Or are they making me see insignificant problems through a needlessly exaggerated lens? Please send help!
Dear Reader,
Ask yourself what specific plot points seem to be triggering you. Is it infidelity or other kinds of betrayal? Is it physical or emotional abuse? It’s important to identify exactly what’s giving you pause, so you can then consider how those same things may be showing up in your actual life, now or in the past.
If you do find evidence that the show is mirroring an unspoken reality in your relationship, bring it up with your husband by communicating in the “I” and saying things like, “I feel hurt when you do [insert problem here].” Because trying to work through your emotions via a fictional drama isn’t very helpful. If you discover that your post-binge anger is less about your partnership and more about your feelings toward the characters’ actions, think about whether watching this stuff is good for you and how you can make your relationship with TV healthier by engaging with different kinds of entertainment.
Dear Minaa,
Is it normal to still feel chemistry with an ex when you’ve moved on and into a happy new relationship? I bumped into a certain someone while I was home for the holidays, and I think we were both caught off guard by how much we still click. I haven’t seen them in the three-plus years I’ve been with my current partner, but now I can’t stop thinking about them! Why do I still feel a pull toward this person?
Dear Reader,
Being with someone new doesn’t erase your past. You may remember how it felt to be with your ex, how you could truly be yourself around them, long after you’ve broken up. That’s normal, but it doesn’t mean they’re the right person for you.
What might be happening here is that your current relationship is missing something your ex brought to the table. Try to figure out what that is and address it with your partner. If you find you’re actually pretty satisfied, maybe you need to ask yourself if you ever got closure after that last breakup. No? It’s time, then, so be very real with yourself about why you’re no longer together. While you’re at it, consider your current behavior: Casually thinking about someone isn’t a big deal, but if you find yourself suddenly cyberstalking their social accounts, you may have more feelings about this former romance that need to be explored. Leaving those unaddressed could damage the relationship you’re currently in. Try to step away from social media as you figure out what’s going on.
Dear Minaa,
I’m disabled, and I’ve found dating difficult because (in my experience, at least) most men don’t value women with disabilities. I’ve had meh boyfriends through my teen years up to adulthood (not all bad, but ugh), and as I approach my 30s, my frustration is starting to wear on me. My last seemingly successful date ghosted me, and the experience made me feel like I’m never going to meet someone. It’s hard enough to find a person you click with romantically, but the added layer of my physical disability further complicates things. I continue to look for a partner regardless because I want to believe that not everyone is biased. What can I do in the meantime to remain positive?
Dear Reader,
It doesn’t feel good when someone’s not into you, especially after a string of dud dates, but that doesn’t mean nobody will ever value you. It just means you haven’t met a compatible partner yet, and you need compatibility for a relationship to thrive.
Try to remember that you can’t control whether or not someone likes you. Take time to heal after a sour situation and think about what went wrong. Then, to save you the effort of getting to know people who aren’t accepting, consider sharing that you have a disability in your dating profile. You don’t need to go into detail, but it is a part of who you are. And having your dates know about it may make you less anxious before meeting up. Separately, you need to remind yourself that there’s no rule about needing to be coupled up before 30. See if questioning that timeline takes some of the pressure off and makes you feel more optimistic for potential future connections.
Dear Minaa,
Why does sex *always* change a friendship, even if you both agreed to become FWB, no strings attached, from the start? A friend of a friend and I started casually hooking up about six months ago, and we agreed to keep it casual—but instead, it’s gotten much more intense. For example, I recently introduced the idea of a third and she didn’t speak to me for a week. Is FWB basically a huge myth, or can two grown women enter into a situationship like ours and come out unscathed? How do we get back to where we started without all the drama?
Dear Reader,
Humans are biologically wired to be attached to each other. You might be emotionally fulfilled in a casual sexual relationship, but once you’ve had sex with a friend, the nature of that friendship changes—and it’s not fair to judge the other person for reacting in a natural way. I’d check in with her to ask if she wants to keep hooking up without being official. Try something like, “I noticed that after I mentioned bringing someone else in, there’s been a shift. I’m curious to know what you’re feeling and whether you want to move forward as friends or continue engaging in a sexual relationship.”
Dear Minaa,
I’ve been with my partner for five years, and I’m currently carrying the weight of a one-night stand on my shoulders. I slept with a stranger on a work trip and we never spoke again. That was four years ago, and I’ve kept it a secret from my boyfriend ever since. Lately, we’ve talked about getting engaged, and my guilt is boiling over. Is it worth telling him years after the fact? I have no idea what to do.
Dear Reader,
To make the right decision, you need to reflect on what you’re hoping to achieve. If the goal is to alleviate your guilt, that’s not your partner’s responsibility—and confessing with this intention would be an act of selfishness. What I hear is that you did something you regret, you learned from it and feel remorseful about it, and you haven’t repeated it. Could owning this alone be enough to move on and heal? Would it ease the burden if you forgave yourself?
It’s also worth asking why you did it in the first place. Was it a moment of passion? Drunkenness? Addressing this can help you determine what approach to take, especially because unresolved issues could increase your risk of cheating again. Then think about what has changed for you since that night and whether it’s necessary to open up an old wound to deal with your feelings.
Free Therapy Advice Columnist
Minaa B., LMSW, is a therapist, writer, and speaker and the founder of Minaa B. Consulting, where she works with busy professionals on enhancing their well-being and developing workplace boundaries to improve their mental health. She is a cohost on Sydel Curry-Lee’s podcast Because Life and sits on the mental health advisory committee for Wondermind, a mental-fitness company cofounded by Selena Gomez.